Hussies

How do you know if you’re a hussie? - Awesome discussion to be had during a thanksgiving dinner.

I've had two early thanksgiving dinners this week, one with my roommates and one with friends. The friend dinner got a little wild real quick, with questions such as the one above. So, how do you know?

Guys are never hussies, it's apparently just us girls that are given a wide variety of titles to include; hussie, slut, hoe, harlot! Why do we get these titles when our male counterparts don’t? I will never understand. The idea of course is that you get a title when you sleep around, but what constitutes sleeping around? How many is too many?

I think it’s obvious that if you're going to bars every other night and picking up guys to go home with and never see them again, THAT may get you a title (not that I think it should), but here is where the argument starts...What if you don't sleep with a guy unless you're dating? Then we have to try to define dating, and at what point (after you meet someone) do you consider it dating?

After date 1? - Doubtful, because if you never see him again then it isn't dating.
After date 2? - That’s going on a couple of dates, not necessarily dating.
After (insert number of dates here) - You can go on many dates with someone, sleep with them, and never have the "exclusive" talk. This means that while you may not be thought of as a "hoe" because you waited till date 10 to sleep with him, he can still be sleeping with other women, which can make you feel dirty just the same. If the tables were turned and a guy slept with a girl while she was dating other men he wouldn't feel dirty, which is why I think part of this “hussie” stigma comes from us women.

Even if we didn’t place any stigma on ourselves, and decided we are going to continue to sleep with that guy because it pleases us, and that's that! I promise you that at the end of the day that guy will not take you seriously. If a girl starts sleeping with a guy and then wants a relationship, more often than not she isn’t getting one, but if a guy starts sleeping with a girl and then he wants a relationship all is good.

But I digress, so again, how many is too many? Or better yet, how often is too often?

1.      Having sex once or twice a year with a different guy each time?

2.      Having sex 6 times a year but it’s with men you are dating (whatever your definition of this is)?

3.      Having sex once a month with different guys?

4.      Every weekend?

5.      OR is the only way to stay “good” not sleeping with someone until you’re in a relationship?

If you’ve been single a while, male or female, and you’re near your 30s, you’re bound to rack up a number. So I think at some point people need to stop judging each other and realize that a number is just that. It doesn’t tell you anything about a person. How often someone does the deed or who they do it with may shed a little more light on the situation, but still, don’t go around judging until you know all the facts, because good girls can do bad things.

Getting Old?

This weekend I went to Boston, had a lot of fun, met cool new people, and realized I'm getting old.

It's Saturday night and my cousin wants to take me out, but it also happens to be his friend's birthday celebration that night and his friend's girlfriend, who is about 23, decided that we are all going to this club. Let me specify that a club in Boston = a crowded bar with very loud music. Of course my cousin and his girlfriend who are about 30 don't want to go there and neither do I, but they're good friends so we must sacrifice. Per my previous blog entry titled "Forced Fun," I told him not to worry about me, I'm drinking redbull & vodka so I’ll be entertained. Clearly there was no open bar option but we make the best of it. See? I don't just dish out random useless advice; I use it on myself ;-)

So let the forced fun begin. I practically chugged the first redbull vodka and headed for the bar to get another. By the third one I was finally starting to enjoy that sh*# hole and I think so was everyone else. I could have stuck around all night, screaming in my cousin's friend's ear because the music was so loud, but I guess no amount of alcohol was going to keep my cousin there. So after what seemed like an hour or two (tops), we left.

The next place was much quieter, a simple cozy bar with a table by the window which we snagged right away. At this point the troops were down to 4, my cousin, his girl, his friend, and me. Not 20 minutes went by and two of his other friends texted to say they were out of there and were going to join us (apparently they didn’t last much longer either).

So the 6 of us sat there until they closed (at the late hour of 2am!) drinking beer, cracking jokes about clubs, and laughing. In case you couldn’t tell that was sarcasm up there. I thought it was funny that my cousin said “we're going to party till late tonight so get your cat-nap in.” I was like really? You're from Miami, where places don't close till at least 6am, and you think 2am is a late night? LOL, how the mighty have fallen (i.e. gotten old).

With that said, I think you’re officially old when:

1.      You think 2am is late

2.      You no longer dance at clubs

3.      You make fun of those girls who crowd around each other in a circle and (as Dane Cook    

         says) “dance around their purses and shoes”

4.      You like Dane Cook (who let’s be honest, isn’t funny anymore)

5.      You don’t like crowded places

6.      You don’t’ visit any place that plays really loud music.

I will say that I didn't want to leave Boston. Even though I claim to be old, I barely slept while I was there, walked around half the city, visited beautiful places, met really friendly people, and had a lot of fun. I also will say that with a couple of exceptions, guys are not as douchy at the bars there, and we went to one of the “raunchy” places. My cousin says people in Boston are rude, but I didn’t notice, it seemed like quite the opposite because people were friendly and would talk to me for no reason, and no they weren’t just trying to hit on me J

Driver's Ed

What the hell are people doing when they are driving? Depending on the state I'm pretty sure that we can get into a variety of answers, but I can only speak for the following states:

Florida: "Look ma, no blinker"

DC: "I don’t know where the hell I'm going cause these dammed streets don't make no sense"

Virginia: "I'm going to do whatever I want while going super slow because I'm the only person on the road"

NYC: "F you!"

I used to drive a lot, mostly because I like to drive, but also because my parents lived in NY and I had the ability to get there in 5 hours. I have also been known to make 12 hour trips down to Florida to watch the Gators, and I once drove up to DC from Miami, which is about 18 hours. The point? I've seen, and done a lot of crazy stuff on the road.

I once saw a guy on I-95 playing his guitar while driving! I don't know what part of his body he was using to steer the car and I quite frankly don't wanna know, but there he was, jamming with the windows down and the radio up. The song? Sweet Home Alabama! I can't make this stuff up, it's too good! The jury is still out on whether this was pure talent or stupidity.

Another time I saw this couple on the Jersey Turnpike with a portable DVD Player trying to watch Shrek, all they were missing was the popcorn.

Then there was the Asian girl fixing her hair in the mirror while paying zero attention to the road (yes, I am aware or the stereotype here).

We've all seen it, that lady putting on mascara on the highway or that dude eating a huge hamburger while driving with his knee, and let’s not forget about the texters. I'll be honest, I am guilty of doing all 3, and while I've never crashed because I was eating my Big Mac while driving with my knee (god now I'm hungry), or because I was putting on my makeup, I did crash once because I looked down at my phone for like a second! The best part…I knew the girl I rear-ended at 40 MPH. It was a coincidence, but still, I would have preferred a total stranger, because I think the fact that she knew me allowed her to yell at me louder. She and I used to dance together in college (the choreographed type, not the type involving a pole), she was always so composed and classy, but on that day I must have brought out her inner daemon. Case and point, it was very unpleasant, because no one likes their Britney jam session to be interrupted by a violent crash.

Moral of the story is this - while you should stay away from any behavior that takes your eyes off the road and hands off the wheel, if you must be a Jack A$$, at least don't be one with your phone, because in my experience this seems to cause the most havoc.

Gov Workers

A contractor reminded me this week that the hate between gov workers and contractors happens to be mutual J. I don’t know if I just never stopped to look around, but that week I had all sorts of epiphanies.

First of all, I want to make a disclaimer that not all government workers are this way. While I am not one to subscribe to stereotypes, I do believe they come from somewhere. So if someone out there thinks all gov people are lazy, there must be a reason.

Here are some of the trends I’ve picked up on:

Getting by doing the bare minimum – Gov people do everything in their power to avoid responsibility and to do as little work as possible at all times. The longer you’ve been with the government the more this applies to you.

“The Blame Game” - Again the older you are the more this applies to you, because you’ve had years of experience in dodging bullets and getting by unnoticed.

“The Cover-Up Game” - It may be easy to admit you made a mistake somewhere when you’re new, but as the months roll by that excuse gets old. So, when a mistake is made, the newbie tries to cover it up!

I received a call recently form a lady out in an office that shall remain nameless talking about how she entered some dates in the system a year ago and she entered them wrong because she was new. When I ask for documentation and I cross check the facts I realize she didn’t make a mistake, she just didn’t know what to do because the system gave her an error. Instead of reaching out and trying to correct it, she decided to make up a bunch of dates similar enough to the real ones so it would look a mistake should anyone ask. This made me so angry, because she did something wrong and didn’t know how to correct it, but she didn’t reach out to me for help until she had no choice, and then she lied about what really happened!

It doesn’t stop there though, ask anyone who’s been around the organization long enough to do something outside what is required in their daily activities and they will freak out! They create this storm in a glass of water for no good reason other than they are too lazy to go an extra 2 feet, let alone a mile!

There are so many archaic ways of doing things and no one wants to change them because it’s the way it’s been done for years. Nobody in the gov likes to get outside their comfort zone and try something different, because that requires the use of your brain for a change.

Then we have the inevitable/completely useless changes that are implemented every time a new manager steps in. This may not be the case in all organizations, but in mine management rotates every year for reasons I will not get into here. Anyhow, every new manager has 3 things in mind, resume, resume, resume. So they all want to say that they changed something, that they made an “impact”. Sometimes change is good, it makes things better, and fixes old problems, but when someone is changing something like the name of a program every year, or when they are making policy changes every month on things that actually work, you start to wonder how we get anything done at all?

I sometimes can’t keep up with the changes we make here, so how are the people in different offices supposed to know that even though last month the answer was A, this month the answer is B. Yet we get mad at them when they call us with a bunch of messed up ideas, or when they are doing everything wrong. Well duh, we keep changing the rules and not telling them! It’s no wonder contractors hate us.

Honey Badger Don't Care!

Clearly Friday posts are going to be pretty random:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg

If You Are Cuban And Like The Dolphins...

Taken from Gabe's Blog at http://phillygdubs.tumblr.com/
check it out.

Funny News

Looking for a great job? your search is over :)

A man "was bombarded with offers after advertising in his village post office for someone to accompany his 88-year-old father Jack on visits to a southern England pub from a nursing home. He offered the lucky winner 7 pounds ($14) an hour plus expenses..."

http://www.funnymos.com/best-job-ever.html

Can you believe this? I've decided I'm going to have a bunch of kids in the hopes that one of them ends up being that cool when I am 88! So if my biological clock expires at 40 and I want to have 10 kids I need to start at 30. Haha, J/K.

I have a better one though, "officer fired after putting wife on list of terrorists to stop her flying home...as a result the woman was unable for three years to return from Pakistan after travelling to the county to visit family"

http://www.funnymos.com/wife-on-terrorist-watch-list.html

Haven't people ever heard of divorce? If I ever get married to anyone I'm going to have a clause somewhere that clearly states, if you get sick of my a$$ you will simply divorce me! Top 3 things you should not do in lieu of divorce:

1. Cheating
2. Experimenting with other men
3. Putting your wife in a no-fly list (HILARIOUS though!)

Forced Fun

You know those events that you get invited to and you have to go, not because you want to, but because you're expected to?

It's always the same story; my friend really needs me there, my boyfriend would kill me if I don't go, it will hurt my grandma's feelings, etc, etc.

So we show up to the dinner, party, baby shower, or whatever BS event we just got bamboozled into going to. We get there and we don’t know anyone. The one person we know is always talking to someone else, and your friend, boyfriend, or grandma, doesn’t offer you the attention that they promised.

The best part is that everyone acts like they are having such a great time! There is only one way to get through these events…Alcohol.

Rule #1: make sure you find the bar before you start to shake hands and kiss babies.
Rule #2: order something that looks fruity so that people think you’re just drinking juice.
Rule #3: make friends with the bartender, because he will make sure there is less juice in there.

Once you’re sauced it should be easy to have a good time, but before deciding on whether this is actually the best route for you, let’s consider the following…

There are 4 types of drunks out there:

1.      The ones who love everyone (social drunks)

2.      The ones who sit alone in a corner (weirdo)

3.      The slutty ones (daddy issues)

4.      The ones who get angry (unhappy people or D-bags)

If you are 1-3, then proceed as planned, I won’t judge. If you’re # 4 then either you’re too much of a D-bag to actually ever find yourself in the above mentioned predicament in the first place, or you’re a kind hearted soul with internal issues (which you should keep to yourself). So, here are some nice alternatives for how to spend your time at these events:

1.      Food – If you’re eating all the time, then it’s much easier to pretend to be interested in that boring conversation at your table, or whatever awkward spot you’ve been placed in. It’s rude to speak with your mouth full so no one will question why you haven’t piped up.

2.      Walking around the room a few times pretending like you are lost or looking for someone – Stick to one or two laps at a time, otherwise people will start to wonder whether you even belong there.

3.      Looking through your phone for important messages (a.k.a. sex-ting) – Send as many random texts as you can, someone is bound to answer.

4.      Sending important work emails on your phone (a.k.a. playing hangman, scrabble, or any variation of that which you consider fun) – Self explanatory, just don’t yell yatzee! You'll look and sound stupid.

5.      Find the drunkest person in the room and challenge yourself to have a conversation – This one is my favorite, because they will never remember it anyway, so no pressure. Depending on what kind of drunk you choose, you will either have an amazing time, be weirded out, get laid, or get yelled at, so choose wisely.

NOT Into You

You know that movie "He's Just Not That Into You?" Women will go to their graves swearing that it's not accurate and not true, and so will the men who know better.

In my experience, that movie is dead on! I didn't want to write this until I collected some more evidence, so as always I had my lunch hour discussion with the girls and got some interesting ideas to rant about. I also, checked with some guys just to be sure I am not making this up in my head.

First of all, I want to say that I love the part in the movie where the African ladies are sitting around offering their friend some comforting words for why he didn't contact her anymore. It goes like this:

Girl 1: Maybe he lost your hut number?
Girl 2: Maybe he got eaten by a lion?

The second one sounds like PAR for the course in Africa, but kind of ridiculous here doesn't it? Then again, some of the stuff we tell each other is pretty ridiculous, no no matter where you are in the world.

Every time a guy doesn't call, doesn't text, and doesn't set up a date, you can rest assured that his best friend didn't die, he didn't lose his phone, or your number, and he definitely didn't get eaten by a lion! He just doesn't care, so put your best slutty dress on, gather up your girls, and hit up your favorite spot cause you're gonna have to move on.

There are times when we are pretty sure he is interested and then we wonder why he takes so long to see you again, or why he doesn't text you that often. The answer is simple, you're not his first priority, not even his first option for that Happy Hour drink. So, for all intents and purposes, you should walk away. When a guy is interested and into you, you will know! He will set up the next date within a day or two of the first one, some guys may try setting up the second date while on the first one. He won't use leaving town as an excuse to not contact you, example:

Girl: I'm making out with this guy and he mentions that he's going out of town so he's gonna be out of touch
Guy 1: To where New Guinea? Where is he going that he's gonna be out of touch?
Girl: Where are you going out of town to again?
Guy 2: Pittsburgh
Guy 1: Run!

Of course our girlfriends don't help, they sit there and allow us to brainwash ourselves by thinking about all the "signs" he gave us. He answered the phone while with another girl, that must mean he likes me - NO - if he likes you so much why is he on a date WITH SOMEONE ELSE. He invited me to a party so he must want to spend time with me - NO - that just means he is killing 2 birds with a stone, if he wanted to spend time with you he would invite you out on a date!

Let's keep it real, we know if a guy is not into you he doesn't call or text that often, or at all, and doesn't try to see you that often, or at all. We get it, but what about women? We are even worse! When we aren't interested in a guy we don't just slowly disappear, sometimes we don't disappear at all. We keep you around because we know that you're safe, and I can't believe I'm admitting this but it's true, almost every woman has done this at least once in her life. We keep that guy around because he answers the phone, because he won't say no to a date, because he will offer good entertainment, and treat us kindly, but at the end of the night you and I both know he's going home alone. That's not to say that we are stringing you along to torture you, most good girls won't, it's just that if you don't make your intentions clear, you make it easy for even the nice girls to hit the friend road without any remorse.

Like the movie says "she still calls, she wants a massage, she leaves cute messages, but it's not going anywhere, what is she doing?" I believe the correct answer is: using you!

It's true that sometimes a girl likes you and just wants you to be a man and make a move, but if you've made it clear that you want to be more than friends, and the above mentioned behavior is still in effect, you too should walk away. Call your boys or whatever it is men do. Find a one night stand, or go shoot some hoops, but really, just move on.