DMV

It's not everyday that I am so enraged over something that I feel the need to blog on the spot. Even if I ever was, I simply don't have the time. However, today I'm at the DMV, so you know that I am both pissed and I have time to kill.

I arrived for my appointment 10 mins early, and of course was sent to a line. As I wait in line, some guy starts saying that if you have an appointment there's another line, so I move to the other line (of course now I have to start at the back, but it's cool).  I then notice a sign that says "we do not take visa," as you can probably guess that's all I have, and now I need to figure out a way to pay. I look around for an ATM and consider myself lucky to spot one, but realize I must leave the line and there are several people behind me. So I ask the gentleman behind me if he could hold my spot while I go to the ATM that's 10 feet away, and he agrees (only good thing that's happened today thus far).

It's finally my turn, but as this woman is looking through my documents she tells me that I need an extra proof of reaidence...???

First of all let me just say that is bullshit! I gave her 2 separate documents with 2 different Florida addresses (I move a lot), besides I don't get paper bills, ever! I don't understand the system. If they just need proof that you do in fact live in Florida, why does it matter if the addresses aren't the same? They're both Miami addresses to boot, it's not like I'm moving across counties. Anywho, she gives me a slip of paper and says to come back with a second proof of residence. At this point I decide to drive to the nearest FedEx because I know I'm gonna need a printer. I figured I could print my last geico bill, which I normally get electronically.

I get to FedEx and there's a line for the computers, do people not work on Mondays? I wait...when it's finally my turn I log on (super slow computer) and I look up my bill, print, success! You would think I'd walk away smiling, but my over zealous ass decided to get a second bill just in case, and I log on to AT&T to print their bill. I'm hitting ok on everything and not reading a thing because I'm in a hurry and how big can a bill be? The printer starts going off and doesnt stop, at which point I look up and realize not only is this thing printing over 50 pages, but now I owe $30!!!

That's right, this DMV trip how now cost me $30, plus another $48 for the renewal. Oh! And a $3 ATM fee, bastards!

I hate the DMV!!!!!

Zombies?

Can someone please explain to me what this zombie thing in Miami is all about?

Not the story, I know that part, but why everyone is calling it a "zombie attack" when in fact, it was simply a man on drugs.

This guy was on a wacky version of amphetamines called "bath salts." This seems to be a new drug that has similar effects to LSD. Now, when it comes to amphetamines I'm sure we all saw Scarface, people on these drugs don’t go down easy. One of the side effects (like morphine) is that you don’t feel pain, so you can keep going after being shot several times - doesn't mean you're superhuman - just high. Granted, this guy went and ate someone's face off, but that also doesn't make him a zombie, just likely hallucinating and hungry, he probably thought he was eating a hamburger. 

Apparently this is not the first incident the cops have encountered with some a-hole on drugs having superhuman strength. There was another person who was hit by a taxi, proceeded to climb on top of said taxi, and started beating up the car. It took 15 cops to subdue him, and in the process he took a female cop's baton and injured her arm with it. The only difference is that this guy didn’t eat anyone. I guess that's why this particular case of a high dumbass acting crazy is referred to as the zombie attack while the other one didn’t even make headlines.

Anyway I don’t care what they call it, but can we all stop talking about how there is a “zombie epidemic” and stop spreading mass panic? There are no zombies out there, just high/crazy people.

Another "Eddie"

Ever date someone who says they want to see you exclusively, only so that you keep it in your pants while they go and mess around with the rest of the world? Maybe they say that because they don’t want you to meet anyone else, or because they want you to be dedicated, making it the perfect situation for them but a sucky one for you.

What do you do about it? Do you confront the person? Do you play dumb and do whatever you want behind their back? Do you end it? Do you enjoy the ride anyway and brace for the crash later?

I am a firm believer that the best way to predict future behavior is past behavior. For example, I once dated someone who cheated. He said he had changed and felt terrible about it, so I gave him a chance, only to find out he cheated on me too! People don’t change.

We often try to do the right thing, placing faith in others because we need/want to. Sometimes we have faith because the words sound so sweet and it feels so great in that moment that we can’t imagine having it any other way. It’s all a lie you know?  Not trying to be negative, just smart.

There should never be a caveat behind the words "I'll never hurt you," that should have been my first clue. I think my super power is somehow knowing when I am being lied to, manipulated, or straight up toyed with. I can turn off my brain long enough to not notice these things, but the minute that fucker is back online, it’s game over. Sometimes I wish I was dumb, stupid people live in their ignorant bliss and quite frankly, they’re probably happier for it.

In my particular case I had a feeling something was up, a feeling I couldn't shake. It was a long time ago but I still remember the details. It started on a Thursday night, when a picture and an unanswered text spiked my curiosity (or perhaps my better judgement). I admit I started plotting, so I called him to test a theory, knowing he wouldn’t pick up. Friday and Saturday he tried to act normal, but like I said – super powers. Saturday was really what gave him away, he didn’t have to admit to sh*t on Sunday when I asked, because I already knew, I think I just wanted to hear it from him. I told him in passing once that I was really good at playing dumb (emphasis on the word playing), he should have listened, then again I don’t think he cared enough. I hung up the phone, feeling a mix of anger and relief, and he texted me right away with an apology (trying to sound sincere). I swear all I wanted to do was send him this:

But I figured he'd think I was bitter, when in fact I was relieved that it was over, besides, I wasn't even close to love. Anyway, I thought the picture was appropriate and it made me laugh, but I knew he wouldn’t take it well, so I didn’t send it (not everyone shares my twisted sense of humor). 

Wherever he is now I wish him no harm, and I hope he finds happiness in his one-night-stands. This is not coming from a bitter or angry place, because I moved on faster than I imagined, but I never got to vent. Plus, it made for an entertaining blog entry :)

To All The HATERS

Guess what? I found something to rant about, I’m finally back!

This is about my newly developed fanatic impulses towards...(drum roll please)...The New England Patriots! That's right folks, it's bye-bye Dolphins and hello Brady!

I have been catching heat for this choice of mine since last season, and I am here to say that I am tired of all the crap! I am not a sell out, I am not a bandwagoner, and I am definitely not fickle!

I have been a Dolphin fan since 1995, if you'd like I'll do the math for you, it’s 17 years of sucking. I had season tickets during 9-7 and 6-10 seasons, and I didn’t even complain, probably because I was drunk at all the games, but I digress. Hell, I didn’t complain when they had the 1-15 season! However, this franchise has gotten to a point where it is so obvious that management doesn’t give a F*$%, nor do the coaches, or the players for that matter. It's like they don't care about winning, and they don’t care about building a better team, it’s as if they never wanted to go to the Super Bowl again. We have a perfect season, let’s hold on to that forever!

Well I am here to say enough! In case you haven’t noticed from previous blog entries, I really do believe I only get one life and unfortunately football is a huge part of my life. It’s my favorite sport; I breathe, eat, and sweat this stuff on Sundays. So, why on earth would I continue to punish myself by having miserable Sunday after miserable Sunday, September through December, all because of the stupid Dolphins.

Why the patriots? Been getting that a lot too. Well, because they are the evil empire of football for a reason – they give a F*%$#!!! They have an amazing QB, great WRs, and let’s not forget that sexy TE Gronkowski. But you wanna know what my main selling point is? Bill, that’s right you heard me, Bill Belichick. The Dolphins haven’t had a good coach since Don Shula, and I think that is sadly what I miss the most (aside from Marino). What I like about Bill is that he is not afraid to make the tough decisions, he believes in his QB and his team, which is why he was willing to let the Giants score with over a minute left in the Superbowl this year.

I mean you gotta respect a guy that says OK, we can try to stop Eli and succeed, but then they can kick a field goal and give us no time on the clock to come back. We can try to stop Eli and fail, in which case they get a TD and we may have a few seconds on the clock (if lucky) to get a TD ourselves – OR – We let them score now and give our team over a minute to make a TD, plenty of time for a team of that caliber with a QB like Brady. THAT IS FAITH! But better yet THAT IS SMART! Notice how the RB for the Giants scored, he fell ass first into the end zone, why? Because he knew that the Giants needed to burn that clock more than they needed a TD, Bill knew this, actually let’s give credit where it’s due, Tom Coughlin knew this too (good coach as well).

I will push it a step further and I will say that had Welker, Hernandez, and GronKowski not all dropped passes in that last drive, they would have actually had a good shot at the end zone with seconds to go in the game, rather than having to settle for a hallelujah pass. Oh, and if you go back and watch the last 3 seconds of that game, notice that Gronkowski (could have been Hernandez) sees the ball landing in a huddle of jerseys in the end zone and stops running (or trips, I can’t remember), but the ball gets batted up in the air and lands right where he would have been had he not stopped – case and point – it wasn’t meant to be, but not because that team wasn’t giving it all, at least from a coaching standpoint.

That is what I want, Sunday after Sunday, a team that gives a S%#&, a team that tries, a team that leaves it all on the field. I don’t expect Superbowl victories or Superbowl trips every year, just TRY!

For all of you who enjoy sand in your *&^%$ (you all know the joke I don’t need to insert the real words here), then keep rooting for the Dolphins, but I know better.

I’m OUT!

Going the Distance

It dawned on me yesterday that ever since I stopped being angry my blog has gotten kind of boring. I feel like I don't have anything to vent about these days, and I am very disappointed in myself.

So I got to thinking, what do I feel strongly enough about to discuss in a few paragraphs? Long distance relationships came to mind.  I feel like this is one of those things you’re either for or against, there is rarely a gray area. What’s interesting to me is that if you would have asked me a month ago what I thought on this I would have definitely been on the “against” train, but I've started to reconsider.

 

Why was I so against this stuff in the first place? A question I've asked myself many times. Perhaps it was the idea of being in a relationship with someone who you rarely ever see that was disturbing to me. The thought being that if you’re out of sight, you’re likely out of mind, and as someone who was cheated on while dating someone in the same zip code, I feel that long distance would be the unfaithful dream.  You also have to think about the cost of a long distance relationship, the travel time, and ultimately what you get out of it. I believed that with all the fish in the sea, there was never a reason to put yourself or anyone else through the hassle. Assuming you’re not a cheater, are not being cheated on, can afford the trips, and have the time to take them, there is still the crappy part where you miss the person and can’t be with them. Now why would anyone put themselves through this torture? I asked myself.

So, I started picking apart he reasons why I was against it in the first place, and this is what I came up with. While it is true that long distance relationships are not for everyone, I don’t mean this because of the above reasons. I mean this because no matter how many excuses you throw at it, it ultimately comes down to effort and how much you want this person. In my case, the cost and time are not an issue, and the cheating is not an issue on my part (not built that way). So what does that leave? Definitely the fear of being cheated on, and the fact that it’s torture, while there ARE other fish.

If you’re going to get cheated on I am living proof that it’s going to happen, and it doesn’t matter if you live in the same city, zip code, or even the same roof! Of course it’s easier when the person lives 1,000 miles away, but like my good friend Jorge says, haters gonna hate, so cheaters are going to cheat, period. What are you going to do? Doubt everything and drive yourself nuts? If this is the case, then not only should you not attempt a long distance relationship, but you should probably see a psychologist, address your daddy issues, and then try to date someone, because these trust issues will likely be there even if you’re dating locally.

Now on to the next two, the torture that you have to endure not being able to see this person at your will and call, while having other fish in the sea. Let’s start with the fish. I for one can tell you as a woman with standards, there may be fish in the sea, but most of them are like catching a yellow tail snapper that’s less than 12” long, rules will say you have to throw it back (you like that piece of useful info?). The sea is full of these yellow tails, but catching the right one is not so easy. On to my point, if you are lucky enough to find the right “fish,” you shouldn’t throw it back simply because he is difficult to pull off the hook (what is it with me and fishing metaphors today?). Anyway, the right fish is worth the fight it gives you (had to sneak one more in there).

Ok enough with the fishing, you hopefully see the point by now. I would much rather be with someone who I miss all the time and long to be with, torturous as it may sound, than to be with someone who is right next to me all the time, but doesn’t make me feel alive. Life is short, but that doesn’t mean you settle, it means you fight that much harder for the things you want, because you’re likely not getting another chance.

Ready to Retire

Why do we work so hard? I've been asking myself that question all week. Then I ask the following: what is the earliest age at which I can retire?

I'm ready to retire right now. I was trying to do math in my head, failing miserably, and trying to figure out what is the minimum amount of money I need to make in order to survive while still having a little left over for some travel. If I can figure out at what age I can retire and still make that amount, that will be my retirement age. I may need an accountant for this - or at least someone good with numbers.

See, I think people get greedy, working till they're old and gray so they can get the most during retirement (at least that's how it is in the government). However, I think that if you spend your life working, by the time you retire you are too old to enjoy what you've earned. I have no intention of making that mistake.

I already know that I am minimally eligible for retirement after 25 years of government service - that puts me at a minimum retirement age of 50, but screw that! I need a faster plan...rambling ideas anyone?

1. Lottery
2. Start my own business
3. Make money off this blog. Haha - not likely
4. Buy as many batman comics as I can and hope I can sell them for a lot more $ later.
5. Do the same but with basketball cards, football cards, baseball cards? lol
6. Invest. Now why is this one of the last things that occur to me?

Maybe a combination of 4, 5 and 6. JK, I'm probably doomed to work till I'm 50!

Wednesday Thoughts

I was sent this via email today and as I read these I realized I agree with everything on that list, except one comment which I deleted. So I thought I'd share, plus they're funny.

Ø  I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Ø  Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Ø  I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Ø  There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Ø  How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Ø  Was learning cursive really necessary?

Ø  MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Ø  Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Ø  I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Ø  Bad decisions make good stories.

Ø  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Ø  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection. Again.

Ø  I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page analysis report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

Ø  "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.

Ø  I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

Ø  I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

Ø  I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Ø  I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Ø  I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

Ø  I wish Google Maps had "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

Ø  Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

Ø  I would rather try to carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Ø  I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Ø  How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

Ø  I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters.

Ø  Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Ø  Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

Ø  There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Ø  Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Ø  Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Ø  Why does the computer give you the option to check the box that says “Don’t show this message again” if its just gonna keep popping up?

Dating

Ok, so I've been slacking on this blog. I promised you a table for opportunity cost and I didn't deliver...yet. I also have been MIA for a bit, but in my defense I did recently move, and we all know moving sucks. I was going to blog about the move, but I will save that for another day.

I no longer have my girls to chat during my lunch hour, which was how this blog got started in the first place, but I still have a lot of friends who give me plenty to think about. For instance, it seems the world of dating has merged with the electronic world, meaning that we now get to text, IM, Facebook, etc. Oh, and don't forget you now get to meet the love of your life on an online site (OK this last one is less likely to happen). The fact is that noone calls anymore, remember phone calls? Remember dates for that matter? You know, real life, face-to-face action...chuckles..no pun intended.

Don't get me wrong, I love technology and gadgets, but I miss the old days when there was no texting, IM, Facebook, or any variation of online help. Why? Because then if a guy got your name and number, the only thing he could do was call. Therefore, you knew that he either would or wouldn't, 50/50 chance, I like those odds. Then, if he didn't call within a few days you could move on.

In today's age of technology, the fucker can email, text, Facebook, and basically do everything in his power to avoid asking a simple question - can I take you out on date?
I mean there are a million variations of that, it can be:

1. Can I buy you coffee?
2. Will you let me take you to dinner?
3. Will you go out with me Saturday?
4. Can I take you to a movie?

I can go all day with these. My girlfriends tell me all these stories about how they text a guy for weeks before he finds some excuse to see them, and even then he acts like it's a friendly encounter, no date implied at all. That is such a cop out, but the worst thing is that if that's the way its done, I'm doomed. I have no idea how to flirt via text, I mean I have issues knowing how to flirt in real life unless the guy starts it. Then I have this really old fashioned way of thinking where I think girls shouldn't ask guys out, I know I should probably get with the times, but I can't help the way I was raised.

So guys, grow some and ask women out, it is simpler than you think. See, women are simple, we know if we are willing to give you a chance within the first 10 minutes of meeting you. Granted, some guys talk their way out of that chance, or they can talk their way into that chance. Bottom line: if a girl gives you her number, ask her out! You have nothing to lose.

Opportunity Cost

Opportunity Cost is a term in economics = The cost of any activity measured in terms of the value of the next best alternative foregone (that is not chosen).

Let’s say that a company can only produce 2,000 lbs of wheat or 1,000 lbs of tomato paste within an 8 hour period. The opportunity cost of producing 2,000 lbs of wheat = the 1,000 lbs of tomato paste. The opportunity cost of producing 1,000 lbs of tomato paste is 2,000 of wheat. So, is the choice clear? Do you automatically decide to produce 2,000 of wheat? Let’s assign profit. What if:

2,000 lbs of wheat = $500 dollars
1,000 lbs of tomato paste = $1000 dollars

Still think your company should go for the wheat? I didn't think so. Now, how does that relate to my life? I've been using opportunity cost to make decisions in my life ever since I came across this term in college, it just made so much sense. This is how I use it (*warning to economic majors: do not get on my back, I am going off the text book and we are gonna get flexible for a second here).

First, you assign monetary value to the choices you make, for instance if you want to get a dog, but you know you have to move into a different apartment building to have one. How much will you pay extra every month to live in that new apartment building vs. staying where you are. Let’s say it's $400 extra every month. So, you decide that's too much money. What if the difference was $300, still too much money? If no, then you have just placed a price on how much getting a dog is worth to you. Furthermore, we have just established that: The opportunity cost of you having a dog is the $300 you give up every month, and that’s a trade you will happily make, but if the opportunity cost of having the dog went up to $400, then that’s a trade you won’t make. Same as the tomato paste vs. wheat, the opportunity cost of making tomato paste is the $500 made from wheat which you gladly give up to make $1000 on tomatoes, but if the opportunity cost of making $1000 on tomato paste was making $2000 on wheat, you'd probably choose the wheat right?

You can make almost any decision in your life this way, you can decide what the opportunity cost of having one thing over another is, even without assigning monetary value to things. I happen to find that assigning a monetary value makes things quantitative and easier to calculate, since money makes the world go round, but your call. For my purposes of decision making, opportunity cost can be qualitative (i.e. time, labor, even emotions if you wanna use it to make emotional decisions in your life). You can compare apples to oranges if you want and compare a monetary amount to having a boyfriend, or a dog. For instance, if you get offered the same job in two cities but one pays higher than the other, but the one that pays higher means you have to break up with your boyfriend and leave town. How much is he worth? It sounds cold, but it turns out you CAN put a price on relationships and happiness when you are making a decision, just be sure it’s a price you are willing to pay. So will you break up with him over an extra 10K/year? 20K/year? Or is his love priceless? In this instance, the opportunity cost of staying in your relationship is the money you are giving up by not moving. If you aren't sure, it helps to decide the opportunity cost of your relationship prior to you even being offered the job. This is where you ask yourself - how much money am I willing to give up to keep him?

Is is an exact science? No, but the dog example was my own, except I need to elaborate because it didn't end there. I was willing to give up $300/month to have this dog, mostly because the dog itself was free! Then I thought about it, and in one year I would have paid $3600 for this dog. Instead, if I waited a year, after which I would have to move regardless, and pay more money regardless, and then got the dog, the dog would come at no cost to me because it's a move I have to make anyway. Actually not true, the dog would then cost me $500 which is how much that particular dog sells for. So get a dog now = costs $3600 over a year period. Get a dog in a year = costs $500 on the spot. In this instance you don't count the extra money in rent because it is unrelated to the dog itself. In other words, like I said before, even if I didn't get the dog I would have to pay that extra money. You can even break it down into:

Get a dog now and have companion right away = cost $3600 over a year period
Get a dog in a year = cost $500 plus lack of companionship during the next year.

You can always add emotional benefits to your equations. I am currently working on a table that I would like to post so that your life can be made easy when you want to make decisions. Will post when finished.

College

Top 10 things I miss about college:

1.      Flip Cup and Beer Pong

2.      Taco Bell after Flip Cup and Beer Pong

3.      Mario Kart

4.      College bars with .25 cent pitchers

5.      Intramurals

6.      No class on Fridays

7.      All nighters 

8.      Greek Week

9.      Homecoming Week

10.  Spring Break

Remember the days when you could drink all night, go to bed at 8am and sleep till 5pm, knowing you didn’t have class till 7pm because you were smart enough to do night classes Monday – Thursday.

Remember what it felt like to stay up working on a float till 10am, to then head straight into a homecoming parade, cheering you butt off, and going home to sleep only after the football game was over.

Remember how great it felt to win intramural flag football, or volleyball, or whatever your team was for.

Remember the road trips to Daytona Beach, or Panama City, or Miami Beach (which for us was more like a 35 minute drive from campus).

Only 4 things I disliked about college:

1.      Statistics

2.      Unpaid internships

3.      Networking

4.      Having no money

Some people would add Ramen noodles to this list but I liked them so much I still eat them!