Driver's Ed

What the hell are people doing when they are driving? Depending on the state I'm pretty sure that we can get into a variety of answers, but I can only speak for the following states:

Florida: "Look ma, no blinker"

DC: "I don’t know where the hell I'm going cause these dammed streets don't make no sense"

Virginia: "I'm going to do whatever I want while going super slow because I'm the only person on the road"

NYC: "F you!"

I used to drive a lot, mostly because I like to drive, but also because my parents lived in NY and I had the ability to get there in 5 hours. I have also been known to make 12 hour trips down to Florida to watch the Gators, and I once drove up to DC from Miami, which is about 18 hours. The point? I've seen, and done a lot of crazy stuff on the road.

I once saw a guy on I-95 playing his guitar while driving! I don't know what part of his body he was using to steer the car and I quite frankly don't wanna know, but there he was, jamming with the windows down and the radio up. The song? Sweet Home Alabama! I can't make this stuff up, it's too good! The jury is still out on whether this was pure talent or stupidity.

Another time I saw this couple on the Jersey Turnpike with a portable DVD Player trying to watch Shrek, all they were missing was the popcorn.

Then there was the Asian girl fixing her hair in the mirror while paying zero attention to the road (yes, I am aware or the stereotype here).

We've all seen it, that lady putting on mascara on the highway or that dude eating a huge hamburger while driving with his knee, and let’s not forget about the texters. I'll be honest, I am guilty of doing all 3, and while I've never crashed because I was eating my Big Mac while driving with my knee (god now I'm hungry), or because I was putting on my makeup, I did crash once because I looked down at my phone for like a second! The best part…I knew the girl I rear-ended at 40 MPH. It was a coincidence, but still, I would have preferred a total stranger, because I think the fact that she knew me allowed her to yell at me louder. She and I used to dance together in college (the choreographed type, not the type involving a pole), she was always so composed and classy, but on that day I must have brought out her inner daemon. Case and point, it was very unpleasant, because no one likes their Britney jam session to be interrupted by a violent crash.

Moral of the story is this - while you should stay away from any behavior that takes your eyes off the road and hands off the wheel, if you must be a Jack A$$, at least don't be one with your phone, because in my experience this seems to cause the most havoc.